im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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