i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
