Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
