he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
