its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
