Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
