Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The power of my boobs compel you
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
