fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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