My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it's like iHOP with fire
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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