Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That accounts for only three of the penises
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize