If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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