my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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