i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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