just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
