My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
