I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
