he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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