i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
