Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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