You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
