Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
