I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
