God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
