I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
