Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
