You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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