Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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