Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
