You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
