its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
