man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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