Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize