I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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