God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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