I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
