Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
