Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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