Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
