Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
