I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
