I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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