I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize