how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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