Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
