it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My life is pants optional.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
