I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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