Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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