hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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