Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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