dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
