Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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