Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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