"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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