If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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