My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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