Well apparently he's into motor boating.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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