I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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