This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
