I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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