Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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