i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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