I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
