I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
