I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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