I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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