So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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